Plank, Pain and Perspective

Last night at 2am I was jolted awake from a deep sleep by a searing pain. Like fire shooting down my right side.  It was so intense and immediate, I jumped out of bed - which seemed to make it worse. 
My assumption of course was digestive.  As a celiac that is always the first thought. "What did I eat?"
But my immediate list of reliefs...  bathroom,  drinking water,  ginger chews did nothing to relieve the ricocheting pain.

Panic started to take hold as I tried to think which organs were involved?  Or was it my intestines?  Was it all those cherries we picked and ate yesterday.  Did my appendix burst?  Was it a kidney stone and the pain was radiating?  Was it time to wake my husband and call an ambulance?  
Meanwhile I had just gotten a clean bill of health -  and a "you are doing great"  from my Doctor.  Now my insides were on fire!

I continued to drink water and tried to find a comfortable position as I contemplated the worst. As I turned slightly to the right the pain was momentarily soothed, calmed.  That gave me a moment of clarity. A moment was all I needed.

That is when I remembered the post-dinner plank pose family competition.  Ah ha. The plank pose. A brilliant core building exercise but not one to be under estimated, or to over-do.
And there it was,  the pain was shooting from under my ribs to my groin and could not be pin-pointed to an organ because it was muscular.
If I stayed in the right position the pain continued to be soothed and relieved.
So I got back into bed, gingerly, and found a position where it was not being aggravated.  And as I drifted off to sleep I was reminded that though so many issues are triggered or caused by celiac...  
It is not responsible for everything that goes wrong.

And this morning, gratefully, I am fine.

GFAF Expo in NJ

Today I am heading to the GFAF Expo in Secaucus... and I couldn't be more excited!
Think, Christmas morning excited!

I have that pre-trade show rush - and I am not even exhibiting.

Just looking forward to meeting lots of GF cyber space friends, and being surrounded by a plethora of gluten free and allergen free abundance.  I am bringing my little girl with me so she can experience the abundance first hand.  We are all about focusing on the positive side of allergen free living... and all the good that it brings!

Hope to see you there!

Gluten-Free Dream Come True!

Recently I was talking with a friend about nightmares and stress dreams. And that now any and all of our stress dreams manifest as gluten nightmares.  Always the gluten.  
No matter the source of the stress.
Like eating something we shouldn't, and the ensuing panic, waking petrified and shaken.  Wondering if it was real. When I was being down-sized from my job I had terrible gluten nightmares - with anounomous people shoving gluten food down my throat as I walked down the street.  (Hmmm, there is a story for another day).

But today it is a truly happy dream.  
I am thrilled to announce that my Gluten-Free dream has really come true!
I will be illustrating food.
Gluten-free food.
For a Gluten Free Magazine.
For the fantastically, spectacular new Gluten-Free magazine... Simply Gluten Free!!! 

Three of my passions have come together in this wonderful place, and it blows my mind.  I keep pinching myself to be sure it is real.  
The premier issue of Simply Gluten Free Magazine will be Nov/Dec, perfect timing for your holiday preparations.  You can find more information on the magazine here: Simply Gluten Free Magazine, and Carol Kicinsk of Simply Gluten Free, and see all the amazing contributing editors.

Sometimes passions do align and dreams actually do come true!!
My pencils, paints and food are poised and ready to go.

Sweet Dreams!

Starting Over

 "Running" ink on paper, from my sketchbook, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

"I ran regularly for over 15 yrs. I usually ended a run by icing my knees, and often taking a nap. One 6k race I collapsed at the finish line. People asked why I ran. My answer was always the same… "because I can".

I couldn't describe the high... The release, the freedom, the joy, the order it created in my thoughts, finding resolutions, or making peace with what couldn't change. Being grounded, alive, refreshed. It was my moving meditation even as it became more and more difficult to do.

Until Sunday it had been over 4 years since I went for a run. Broken ankle, torn calf, surgery, back problems, sciatica, foot pain, joint pain, bone pain and constant fatigue made it seem like running would forever be the thing I 'used to do'. I didn't realize until recently how much gluten consumption was destroying my ability to run.

Until Sunday. We went as a family to the cross-country path at the high school.  And I ran. It never felt so good. I didn't go very far but I learned a long time ago that the tortoise always gets to the finish line. It is the beginning again.  And I am still on a high from that run."


I wrote this post 2 years ago.  At the time I thought I was back running regularly... but I still had much strength and health to gain.  This morning I started - again.  And, just days away from my 3 year gluten-free anniversary I still continue to improve.  I can't believe how much better I feel each day... and how much my joints have improved.  So though it was rainy, windy and cold I was out there hitting the pavement - and loving it.  
It is never too late to start - again!!

I run because I am healthy
I run because I am gluten free.
I run because I can!

Pressure & Perfection

"Wine Tasting Border", 3" x 7", watercolor & ink, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

To say I am a perfectionist is an understatement. It is my greatest stumbling block. I started this blog to document my journey to reclaiming & maintaining good health and yet if I can't find the perfect thing to say with a matching illustration, it seems I can't say anything. I need to constantly remind myself that it’s the process that counts. If so then every piece along the way, good bad or anywhere in between, is fine just for the reason that it is ALL part of the adventure.

This is so with all the main aspects of my life… my art, the food I consume, my relationships and motherhood. Now I always try to do the right thing for all of above for many reasons but perfect is not always (or ever) possible. If mistakes happen along the way I need to learn from them and move on. I also need to stop putting enormous pressure on myself... It is counterproductive to all that I want to accomplish. See that...back to focusing on the end product.

I was reminded last night that it’s all part of life and there are an infinite number of opportunities to make choices in any given day.  So I am shifting my focus from accomplishing perfection to staying in the moment, and viewing it all as the work in progress that it is; an ongoing creation and interaction.

To that end I release myself from the need to always have the perfect thing to write here matched with the perfectly appropriate art/illustration.

Field of dreams

"French Cottage" acrylic on canvas, private collection, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering 

The movie was on TV the other night, and I watched it for the umpteenth time. It’s in my top 10, possibly top 5. I love the message.... Follow your dream, listen to the voice, stick with what has meaning to you even if others don't understand or think you are a little crazy.

Not only did Ray Kinsella create something magical that drew people to it and that had meaning to many others, but it gave him the opportunity to reconnect with his father whom he had lost years before. I love this movie but I can't watch it without crying.

I was drawn to create this blog (forgive the pun) and it struck me while watching the movie that by documenting my gluten-free journey I feel closer to my mother whom we lost 26 yrs ago. Telling my story has brought about a deep personal journey which sometimes becomes too intense for me. Explains my sporadic writing. Also explains why so many of my own postings make me cry.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my mother had celiac disease, which set the stage for stomach cancer.  This blog is an ongoing dedication to my mom who may have had a different fate had she known about celiac disease when she was young.  And dedicated to my own health & future that I am building one gluten-free day at a time.

I am building it - and SHE has come.

In remembrance and gratitude

Cupcakes & Cappuccino, watercolor & ink on paper, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

Last night as I was baking for Ava's birthday dinner tonight I had some rare quiet time to reflect on the momentous day to come. April 7th has been a life-changing day for me. I have experienced the saddest of times and the most joyous… losing my mother, and watching my daughter come into the world exactly 23 yrs apart.

I am flooded with memories and emotions. Knowing that my mother and my daughter are somehow magically linked to one another. Both influencing who I am… By example my mother taught me to be the mother I am today. My daughter inspires me to be my best and to live a healthy vibrant life... as I hope she will learn from my example.

I remember my mother with love and sweetness and light. I am grateful that I had her as my mom. I am grateful to my daughter for bringing such joy into our lives. I am grateful to her birthmother for choosing us to parent her, and bringing this dear sweet angel into this world. I am grateful for my wonderful husband. I am grateful for all my beautiful family and amazing friends. I am grateful to be healthy enough to enjoy and appreciate all that I have.

Celebration

I started this blog as part of my healing process… to help others by sharing my story, as other stories helped me, and with the intent to create an illustration for every post. This would keep me creating. It is a tall order and has surely slowed me down, but is a very enjoyable and satisfying process.

That being said I felt this post deserved a photo. Our daughter turns 3 this week and on Saturday we had 7 of her friends and their parents over for brunch. We could’ve gone the bagel route but I was petrified of the amount of crumbs eight 3 year olds would create... Not for the mess, that comes with the territory, but what would a house full of gluten crumbs do to me? I decided not to find out.

I took Friday off from work and I spent the day baking and prepping for the party. And did I ever bake… 2 dz. cupcakes (vanilla and chocolate), a loaf of bread (for the baked French toast) and a batch of mini pumpkin/corn muffins. Thank you 365 Brand mixes... All were delicious and enjoyed by all!

I also made two crust-less quiches. No crust saves big on calories and is automatically gluten free. The meal was completed with a big fruit salad.

Ava helped me make the butter cream frosting that morning and assisted me in frosting the cupcakes – and herself. She was overjoyed by the party and managed to snag multiple cupcakes. She's fast.

Though the house required a serious cleaning there wasn't a gluten crumb in site. I was safe and healthy and got the ultimate thank you from my daughter…"thank you for the beautiful cupcakes. I love you mommy!" All is right in my world.

What if?

Fantasy Crocuses, watercolor and ink on paper, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

What if crocuses bloomed in a rainbow of pastels? Would the first flowers of spring spoil us? Too much too soon? Perhaps we would lose the appreciation for those first bursts of golden yellow set against the greys and almost colorless browns of the tail end of winter. Knowing that the lavendars and deep purples are just days away. And finding the delicacy of the scattered white crocuses. They appear so delicate yet they are damn strong to break through and bloom before winter is finished with us.

Sometimes I get caught up in the what ifs... What if my celiac was diagnosed 20 yrs ago? What if I didn't have celiac disease? Where would I be? What could I have accomplished? Not always the most productive way to spend my time. But, the positive side of this line of thinking is it surfaces what's important... where I really want to spend my time, and the appreciation that I do know now. It is pretty easy to follow food restrictions when you can see how bad it was and how good its become. And I can see it not as a struggle or loss - but a gain.

Through my art I can create a garden in whatever colors I imagine without losing an appreciation for the reality. Through my celiac experience I can create a life of good health, vitality and gratefulness and learn from where I have been.

Perfection on a Plate

copyright Erin Rogers Pickering, watercolor and ink on paper


I found perfection on a plate at BabyCakes in NYC.

Warm, cozy, inviting, charming, with such a friendly staff and - the cupcakes are out of this world! The gloomy, rainy day suddenly seemed warm and sunny. Guess it’s the light pink walls, soft glow of light, the divine baking scent and lovely staff. And knowing the cupcakes are gluten free so I could safely go crazy!

I had a chocolate brownie cupcake with vanilla frosting topped with delicate chocolate chips. Words can't adequately describe the velvety texture, the rich chocolate flavor, the sweet, but not overly so, divine frosting. Heaven on a plate. A perfect cupcake. I sketched it and then I ate it, giving me time to appreciate and savor the experience.

I have an extra appreciation for BabyCakes for having Pacific rice milk for my coffee... A truly gluten free rice milk.

If you are in NYC its worth the trip downtown.

BabyCakes NYC

My personal statement

Pears flour sack towel from my watercolor painting,
copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

Recently I joined a celiac forum and I was prompted, while creating my profile, for my personal statement. My first thought was I didn't have one. Then I realized something I have been telling myself for most of the last year, as a whole new world of good health and happiness opened up to me.

"I am gluten free, therefore I can..."

Wow. "I can" Those are powerful words!

I am gluten free therefore I can...
Live without migraines
Eat chocolate
Drink red wine
Be without bone pain
Keep up with my daughter
Face the day with a smile
Go barefoot
Wear heels
Bake – I CAN bake
Bake bread, muffins, cookies, cupcakes that are tasty to everyone
Run again
Paint, Draw, Create
See possibility
Think clearly
Feel joy
Feel healthy
Be energetic

This list could go on and on. Because when I went gluten free I truly hit the jackpot!



Click here for my FREE printable Gluten Free Blessing

Enjoying St Patrick’s Day Gluten Free

                      "St Patrick's Celebration" rough sketch, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

I gave up beer 20 years ago on the suggestion of a neurologist, a migraine specialist, and one in the long line of specialists I have seen for my migraines. He was unable to ‘cure’ me but I did learn 3 things from him.

1. I always fall into 2 – 3% of patients that have the most extreme or rare reactions to medications. Beta-blockers did not help my migraines, but did initiate weird reactions from my heart. I got off of them as soon as possible.

2. I am good at biofeedback (and as a result meditation). I learned the biofeedback technique at his office and it has served me well dealing with chronic headaches and pain.

3. The Doctor said his patients were finding beer to be a migraine trigger so best not to drink it. I tested the theory – and promptly gave up beer, as it was clear it was a migraine trigger for me. They had no idea at that time it was the gluten.

Over the last 20 years I have mostly lost my taste for beer but remained a fan of cider. I was so happy to discover that Magner’s Irish Cider is naturally gluten-free.

Magner's Irish Cider is the perfect way to celebrate St Patrick’s Day and my Irish heritage. Imported from Ireland, gluten-free, delicious, crisp, and not too sweet, with a refreshing apple flavor. Serve icy cold. In my opinion it can’t be beat. I look forward to one (or two) this evening with my husband.

Surviving Gluten

"Vieques Sunset", acrylic on canvas, copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

I'm back. I have passed through the black hole of gluten effect.

It was if a switch was flipped late yesterday afternoon – and the skies parted. It reminded me of the painting I did of a Vieques sunset… the sun splashing through the clouds; streaks of color breaking through the grey. Whenever I look at this painting I am on that beach again... Relaxed, peaceful, and in awe of the beauty of the sky.

Today I feel like a million dollars. It was a rough few days but I am that much more appreciative of all that I have. I woke up happy, grateful, energized and pain free.
Gluten free is a beautiful thing.

Staying Positive during a setback

            "Holiday Detroit Delay" pencil in sketchbook,  copyright Erin Rogers Pickering

I bake my own breads and muffins, cook all my own food, keep separate toasters, spatulas, serving spoons etc, read labels obsessively, and shop in special stores. And still sometimes I get gluten. It can be very discouraging. Not sure where it came from... Was it cross contamination? Was it inaccurate labeling? Did I make an error? How to prevent it from happening again?

The stomachaches start, the brain fog rolls in, the headaches come roaring back, and there is the crankiness that makes the smallest interactions unpleasant. And still I wonder where it came from… so I can avoid repeating it.

Trying to not get depressed. And certainly reminding myself to stay on track. I return to the most basic foods until this passes and I can start feeling well again. Usually it takes me 3 to 5 days from last gluten consumption. So as I write this I have 2 more days. The cleaner and safer I eat between now and then, the better I'll feel.

It can be discouraging, but I know there is an end in sight.

I used to cover the Detroit metro area in addition to my NYC accounts. I would fly there once a month and see as many clients as possible in 2 or 3 days. Traveling monthly was fine until I became a mom. Then it was torture to me. I hated leaving her. Hell, I hated leaving her for the day to go into my NYC office everyday. So flying and any associated delays drove me mad.

I did 2 things to stay positive. First, I spoke to my boss about trading the territory so I could be in NYC only. Secondly, I brought my sketchbook on every trip until the time came that I could transition away from traveling. I sketched in the airport, on the planes and in the evening in my hotel room. Sketching focused my thoughts away from the negative and gave back to me.

I try to apply that to my gluten free life, and recovery... What can I set in action to change and heal? And what can I do to focus on the positive aspects while I heal? I took out my travel sketchbook last night when I was feeling particularly low and recalled a 3+ hour delay in Detroit right around the holidays. I didn’t quite capture my fellow travelers but I did have fun.